Education

I have to say, I'm really rather put off by the response I've been getting from my last posting. Yes, most people enjoyed the story and the deeper morals held therein, but with only one exception (thank you, Fiona) not a damn one of you understood the concept of Para-Geography. I guess I shouldn't really blame you, the reader, as much as I should blame your parents, your school, and the water you drink, because clearly these things all play a larger role in making you who you are than you do. (Determinism Fa-Eva!)

Since it's obvious that none of you understand the concept of P-G, I'll just elucidate in a big pile here on the floor and you can take however many handfulls you like.

The notion that boarders are not static is one with a long history. As long ago as the ninteen fifties China annexed Tibet for no good reason, it's boarder pulsing outwards like the kind of malignant tumor you see on those Discovery Channel shows. This is just one example of the general flexibility of human-decided boarders. In reality, they change all the time. This is known as "Expansionism" and is generally considered natural to the Humano-Capitalist understanding of the world. There is another theory, called the "Pancake Inclusionism Model," which states that any nation capable of making a really good stack of flapjacks is really part of a larger trans-national moral union and that all boarders seperating these are essentially "wrong" and should be completely disregarded. As this theory has really only found a foothold in Canada, no one pays attention to it, because Canadians are all a bunch of tools.

Anyway, there are some specific moments in this "Expansionism" when the land becomes inextricablly linked to the boarders and changes in the boarders can actually have a physical effect on the land included in these regions. This is known as a "Para-Geographic Locale" In the United States there are two major such Locales, generally regarded by the Jingoistic Journal of Para-Geography to be way more interesting than any other nation's P-G Locales. These are "Wyoming" (which I mentioned in my last posting) and The "Deloware Migrative Field."

In brief, "Wyoming" is a sort of large square blackhole which bends the land around it to actually hide the event horizion in all but a few places. In order to normalize the effects of driving "through" "Wyoming," the neighboring states have all set aside land as "Wyoming reservations" around the perimiter of the area and put up signs which say "Welcome to Wyoming." There are many groups devoted to ending this confusing practice, fighting the situation in courts, but, to date, none have met with very much success.

The other major feature, "The Deloware Migrative Field" is more complicated. This is a situation where the boarders and actual land of what was once known as "Deloware" moves about the country, sneaking through the boarders between other states, constantly on the move. "Deloware" moves at an average speed of 500,000 miles an hour, so it can be hard to locate and, once one is already inside, to leave. This would be the equivalent of stepping off a moving train traveling at roughly the speed of Finals Week, not a pleasant experience by any stretch of the imagination. Often, when the land is moving around a tight corner it will slow down to a much more reasonable speed and one can exit the state. These are known as "economic recessions" and are often difficult to predict. There have been many attempts to understand the phenomina, but it tends to happen most often when there is very little government funding for the project (or anything, for that matter) and as such most periods condusive to observation are missed. Once a year, in the spring, "Deloware" returns to its original position to mate.

What is most impressive about these features is that they are triggered, not by any natural phenomina, but by legislative acts of Congress. The idea has been put forward that this is related to the fact that the Capital Building is built on the the graves of radioactive ninja native americans who were clubbed to death by baby seals, but the connection has yet to be proven. (On a related note, I read yesterday that the lobby group connected to moving the Capital Building has changed their stated aims to moving the burial ground saying that, in effect "Itz really all da same shit, nigga.")

Again, to avoid being obscure, I will use specific examples.

The situation with "Deloware" is that in the later half of the 1800s there was a large groundswell of popular support for setting Deloware adrift and pushing it in the general direction of France because, as ancestor to the now-fameous Kennedy family Kipperdong Kennedy once said, "The bagel eaters've earned it." (Historians are in agreement that he meant to say "baggette," but was drunk and flying an airplane at the time).

However, Political up-and-comer Teddy Rosevelt stood up for the state, arguing that if there was to be a war with France, he would take care of it personally. Once it was agreed that this was the superior course of action Rosevelt was put on a boat and pushed in the general direction of the European contenant. His arrival would mark the beginning of what we now know as "Eurotrash."

Unfortunately legislation had already been put in motion which had changed Deloware's position within the Union from "state" to "place," and that is when Deloware got the quotation marks around its name. Seeing as how it was no longer allowed to block Maryland's access to the sea, something had to be done with it. Eastern European Physicist Nikola Tesla (to this day, no one is sure what country he's really from) discovered that it would be able to let the state just drift aimlessly throughout the nation. This plan of action was quickly agreed to in Congress so that everyone could go on Summer recess. Thus, "Deloware" became "The Vagabond State."

There is a lot of interesting culture that has accompanied Deloware's new situation, but perhaps I should hold off on that for now.

The other P-G Locale, "Wyoming," is not as easy to understand.

When Lewis and Clark were having their sex-venture across the contenant, they were charting their progress with the stars. Their average progess was about twenty miles a day, but one day they realized that they had, in fact, covered thousands of miles. When the explorers asked their guide about what had happened, she replied "Wyoming," and the name stuck. Interestingly enough, "Wyoming" is Sacegewia for "Not tonight, I have a headache."

Since this was before any act of Congress, there was no real answer as to what had happened. There were suspicions that the French, who had previously owned the land, had done something to make the Luisiana purchase less valuable, but Rosevelt was never able to beat a convincing confession out of any of the French Presidents he slaughtered.

The origins of "Wyoming" remained a mystery until about seven years ago when archeologist working in the public archies in Denver unearthed an ancient Native American parliment building under the big "X" on the floor. Study of the sight revealed that "Wyoming" had been created by this parliment in order to create an impenetrible sanctuary for the Sasquatch people. Obviously the entire Sasquatch population did not agree to living in this reserve, and the ancestors of those who chose not to live in seclusion remain among us today, working mostly as CEOs in the advertising industry.

So there you have it. If you have any questions about things I didn't explain clearly enough, you're clearly stupid, but I'll do what I can do dumb it down further if I have to.

Also, today is my birthday. Twenty-one years of madness, bitches.